Mini-ministry

I had a sliver of silver light thought today, while doing my usual battle against the "I don't mean much to the world" thoughts. I could stop being a consumer in relationships. I can focus on how to minister to others.
I am just a small wayside flower, but for those who tread the path near me, I can offer a sweet scent.

I can minister to my mom through hugs, through simple conversation, listening to her frustrations about her day at work, encouraging her to motivation, congratulations, and letting her know she means the world to me.

I can minister to my my students by listening to them, making them laugh and feel special for those 25 minutes, helping them find their unique talents every week...and saying a short prayer for them as they leave.

I can minister to my boyfriend by praying for him every day, by offering him my love, by encouraging him in purity, by finding ways to make him feel special and needed.

I can minister to my Xanga friends by letting go of the need to be right, by making them feel like their ideas are just as important as mine, and by encouraging comments.



These small things are harder than they seem...being kind is contrary to my nature. But I will try, my loves.
How do you find ministry of God's love in small things?

I want to be a perfect housewife

Oh, the dreams I've had.

I've had two big kinds of dreams. One is of the stage. The other is of love.
The stage side has been mostly conquered. My craft is one that is in a constant state of change. I work on my skill as an actor, singer, and dancer which constantly needs fine tuning and readjusting depending on what show I'm on and who I'm working with. Having a partner (dance partner, scene partner, or singing partner) changes often, and so does the way one performs. I feel very good about where I am along the path of this dream.

The dream of love...now that's another story. I've had a few loves. The ones I've really loved, passionately and deeply, have been the ones who have hurt me more than I can describe. It's been a few years (Thank the merciful Lord!) since I've been hurt to the extent of being sick, but I still feel the twinges of that hurt at odd times.

This is where I am longing...
Not just for a husband, which I hope the Lord will provide. As a woman, I feel that my place is to serve beside a man. I hope for that opportunity. I want to comfort, aid...give pleasure. Complete. Inspire, make him feel safe and secure. Give him something to strive for.

I want to be his boon. I want to keep his bed warm. I want to create a space for him to be a man, to inhabit and thrive in a home that only I can create as his wife. I want to provide for him the comforts only marriage can bring. To take care of him so that he can focus on being what he is called to be. And that is how a wife completes her calling. Maybe I'll dance around the kitchen while I cook. Maybe I'll sing as I make the bed. Who knows? Sometimes this longing to be a wife smothers me, and I think it takes over my life too much so that I'm not enjoying the here and now.

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." Well said, Jim Elliot. You got it right. This is now.

And the truth is: I can only barely do laundry, my floor isn't that clean, and I ruined instant pudding the other day anyway. I've got a long way to go. But I do want a husband. Will God bring him?

Our Best Hope

How many times have you seen your plans fail? To have something you really, really wanted, and to see it slip through your fingers? We can never see the future, but so often we don't even have the ability to see two or three steps behind us. Think about it. That man you really wanted to marry...that job you just knew you were going to get, that promotion, move to a different place, opportunity...whatever. When we lose our dreams and plans, we tend to think of ourselves as victims of fate, or that God somehow doesn't care. Or maybe we believe God is punishing us, or that God isn't in control.

Nothing could be further from the truth. God holds us in the palm of His hand. For Christians...our life is hidden in Christ.

"For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory." Col 3:3-4

Our lives are totally wrapped up in the righteousness, plans, and protection of Christ. What a cool thought! As the keeper of our lives, what Christ wants most is to bring glory to His Father. You can bet that what he has for us will be bring the most glory to His Father...so it's going to be the best for us, as well.

When we don't get what we want...if we surrender that pain of disappointment to God and just trust Him that he's completing a good work in us, then we will become like Christ through the thousand little deaths that life entails. All these bad things would seem like little deaths and dissappointments...but if we surrender them to God, he's actually killing off our selfish desires so that we will glorify the Father more. Sometimes, suffering means winning.

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-38

When it seems our hope is crushed, our dreams are dead and gone, and that we just can't get anywhere...just remember this: God has your life safely tucked away in Christ. God's plans for us are to glorify Him the way he sees fit, and that is beyond what we could imagine with our best hope.

Why I won't have sex till marriage

Rather prudish title, no?

I'll try to make this as un-prudish as possible. I've been thinking over my reasons for not having sex till marriage. This is a commitment I've managed to keep my entire 27 years of life, and I'd hope it was obvious by now that it's important to me. There are several reasons for this: some are religious, some practical, some emotional...but over all it's a very important decision I've made. I know this isn't a popular stance or choice, but all the same...here we go:

My Devotion to God
The defining element of my life is my faith in God. God is unimaginably glorious and complex, and faith in Him is so simple. I trust that what he says in the Bible about me, my purpose for being here, and how I am to live my life...and I trust that these things are the best for me. They may not be the most fun or instantly gratifying, but they are the best. The Bible gives every kind of indication that sex is only to be between a husband and a wife. I believe the Bible is true...and therefore, I choose to follow it.

Hope for a Future Husband
I'd by lying if I said I didn't want to get married. I most definitely do! My trust in God is that he will provide me a husband at the right time and place. My choice to stay sexually pure is out of love for my future husband. I want to be able to totally give myself to him and him alone. I want sex to be our biggest secret together. I him to know that he's the only one who knows me in that way. The modesty of this kind of intimacy is delicious, in my opinion. The very fact that he will be the one for whom I've saved myself...well, the thought gives me joy. I hope that to him it will be a very precious thing.

Intimacy
For me, getting close to someone takes a lot of risk of emotional hurt. I don't enjoy getting my feelings hurt occasionally, but I do realize that it's part of any relationship of substance. Boyfriends and girlfriends can hurt us the most (said as a single person), and that's said of kind of intimacy I've had with past boyfriends whom I've only hugged and kissed. I have absolutely no desire for what it would take to get that close and vulnerable with someone who hasn't committed to stay with me for life. I don't think my heart could handle the pain of giving myself like that, and then them leaving me.

Mystery and Longing
I was having a discussion with a friend today. He was talking about proposing to his girlfriend soon. They live together, and have been having sex for quite some time. "Why get married?", I asked him. He had to think about it for a while. Then he replied "I guess girls just like that kind of thing...I don't know."

Sex without marriage takes the mystery out of the relationship. It takes the longing out of it. Men and women are made for sex, they are made for relationship. But we are also made for marriage.

Girls...if you give it away so easily, if you allow a man to use your body for his own pleasure without marriage...you are giving him NO reason to marry you. Why should he? Marriage is hard. Lots of men fear commitment. Why would he commit to you if he can have it free and clear?

Health and Pregnancy
Obviously, you can get pregnant if you have sex, as well as a slew of nasty diseases. Who wants those?

But beyond that...sexuality is is so complex and precious and powerful. The creation of another person is the thing risked. When a man and a woman join together as one, the power of the creation of life is mingled between them. How can we play around with that? When I offer my body to my future husband, he will have the opportunity to join with me in creating a life. Birth control issues aside...how dare I take that kind of power lightly? That power is given by God and is eternal, and marriage is the safe haven for it. A cheap motel, the back seat of a car, a sweaty romp...anywhere but marriage is cheating ourselves of the beauty of that kind of opportunity. I don't care how progressive society gets...no one looks favorably on an unwed mother the same way they do a married one.

Am I a prude? Maybe. But no one has ever told me they wished they hadn't waited to have sex till marriage. I'm banking that my choice is a good one.

Much Ado

I've been reading blogs here on Blogger for quite some time. I admire all the Christian women I see...homemakers, home school teachers, mothers, women who swim upstream, so to speak. I really wanted to create a blog to write here as well, but where do I fit in?

I'm unmarried, so I can't write about being a good wife.
I'm not a mom.
I'm not a home school teacher.
I'm not very good at cooking, or sewing (but I'm learning!)

I am moderately good at singing, theatre, costuming, dance...artsy stuff.

But I do have some things I want to accomplish here:

I love to write. I love the Lord. Writing out what I know to be true, reiterating what I believe and what I know the Lord loves...helps me to grow in my Christian walk. So, I'd like to dedicate this blog to my journey. I want to get to know the Lord, here, and hopefully get to know some fellow Christians. This is not a journey we are meant to walk alone.

I hope that we can get to be friends!